Thursday, June 23, 2011

In a Funk

I’ve been in a funk lately with this whole adoption thing. It feels almost surreal…like it will never happen for us. We’ve been viewed by many birth moms and passed over by each one. I’m not going to lie, that is a bit of a blow.

And of course it seems as though everyone is either pregnant or a happy mother. My husband and I are unique in our church because we are the only married couple without children. In a very family centered congregation this leaves us with no church friends…I don’t even like going to church anymore. I gravitate to single friends who are not married, lots of them younger than me. It’s easier that way, less of a risk they become mothers and leave me for that world. It seems as though when a women becomes a mother that is all she talks about. I can only imagine it is the thrill of a lifetime but in my childless world that leaves a lot of heart ache.

It’s hard for me to even log onto blogger at this point because all the women who were trying to conceive or adopting at the same time I was now have their baby. I am happy for them, but their blogs have now become baby blogs and it is too difficult for me at this time.

I’m not sure where I am going with this post. I am just freely venting because I am pretty sure not many people come by this page anymore. I am sorry if you are reading this and it seems a tad morbid. I like to keep things upbeat but as I said, lately I’ve been in a funk.

The other day I decided to put away the baby things in our nursery room. I don’t want to look at them and wish for what could be. I want to live in the present and be grateful for what I have now.


sara said...

It is a brutal process with way more lows than highs. It took us 8 years of infertility and 3 years of actively pursuing adoption before we found our daughter. I had long since given up and decided we would never have kids. I know how painful it is.

Unfortunately all you can do is exactly this...vent, take a deep breath and carry on. My fingers are still crossed for you.

Meg O. said...

I am so sorry, Rachel. I know I might be one of those recently pregnant women so I hope I am not adding insult to injury.

I wish I had advice for you, but I can't say that I do. I'll just be here to let you vent whenever you need to!

~Rachel~ said...

Thank you Sara, as always your words give me hope...and that is not something I have a lot of in regards to having a child.

Meg, don't worry hun. I am happy for you & don't want you to feel bad. I was just going through a funk...thank you for the support!